Beached whale, anyone?

Y'all. There's a person living in my ribs. It won't stop kicking me. I can't sleep more than 4 hours at a time because it likes to smush its head into my bladder and make me run to the bathroom. I think it is doing this for fun. Communication difficult, often involves hiccups. 3 more weeks to full term, can't remember what it feels like to not be pregnant. Need wine. And sushi. Send help.